4:44
monday
june 12 2017
422 am
Day 12…AND I AM STILL SICK
the WEIRDEST combination of nausea diarrhea and congestion…
twelve whole days…
ALMOST A FULL TWO WEEKS
to say I am over it would be a gross understatement
A z-pack, antibiotics and some of the strongest over-the-counter meds and I’m still not better. I remember during one of my early therapy sessions, my therapist brought in a sista who is also living with HIV. She looked at me and said in one of the sincerest voices I’d heard in a long while “Be prepared for the sick days.” I remember being locked in her gaze because the intensity in her voice and in her eyes, had me frozen for a moment. I took it as an FYI and filed it in the very back of my mind. Not fully understanding what is was that she was trying to convey. But as I lay here with the smell of Clorox cleanup floating through the air like a medicinal incense, I’m reminded of her words…
be prepared for the sick days…
434am
and the alarm is set for 630.
I’ve tossed and turned all night. Didn’t even put on my retainer when I got in from the concert because sadly I knew what the night would entail as I drove home. It crazy how now I am even more in tune with my body. Times like this make me beyond tired. The feeling as if life, God, His children and creations are literally tap dancing IN my last nerve. Weary is more like it. Weary to the point that I hope that it doesn’t show in any of the pics I posted over the weekend. Weary to the point that I feel as if I have no push or press left. Weary where I wish for my body before any of this.
one hour and twenty six minutes before this damn alarm goes off.
Nausea and insomnia have me so entangled in this torrid two-step that I don’t know where the bed ends and the toilet begins. A throat raw because the vomiting has been constant for almost two weeks now. But black girls can’t afford to break down. HIV or not, I HAVE to be on. First meeting of the day – 10 am. Appointment at 11 am…another meeting after that. Emails to send, calls to make, work to be done. My tired is tired and I just want to go back to sleep. If I close my eyes now I can get one hour and twenty eight minutes of sleep nap…
444A
and now I’m wide awake
be prepared for the sick days…
May 23, 2018 @ 6:46 PM
We have got to do a better job of holding space for people when they are sick and/ or just tired. We have got to encourage each other to have full lives outside of work. Self care can be hard and some times expensive but we are worth it.
May 23, 2018 @ 8:33 PM
I do hope you can take sick days. I am sorry and I hope you are feeling better.
May 30, 2018 @ 11:20 PM
If I can avoid taking a day, I do and just end up working for home. Being HIV+, you kinda stack those days for the who if days. Not so much waiting for the other shoe to drop but getting sick post diagnosis does something COMPLETELY different than in a body of someone who is HIV-.
May 23, 2018 @ 9:59 PM
May your GOOD DAYS far exceed your sick days!
May 30, 2018 @ 11:18 PM
From your lips to God’s ears. I receive it!
May 23, 2018 @ 11:14 PM
I applaud her for her honesty regarding the sick days. You’re strong and will continue to fight!
May 24, 2018 @ 2:51 AM
Insightful and raw. Thank you for opening up about your journey. I pray you have better days to come soon.
May 30, 2018 @ 11:25 PM
The side that many don’t talk about but in order for us to have conversations about HIV we gotta have conversations about HIV. I hope that makes sense. LOL!
May 24, 2018 @ 7:39 AM
Ugh! That sounds awful. I wish you weren’t feeling so uncomfortable. However, I love that you mentioned that you are more intone with your body now. Everyday may not be good, but there’s something good in everyday. Being in tune with your body is definitely something good.
May 30, 2018 @ 11:21 PM
Everyday may not be good, but there’s something good in everyday. Terri, this is good. An excellent takeaway and a beautiful outlook to have. Thank you!
May 24, 2018 @ 8:11 PM
Oh no! I’ve been there and it is not fun. I truly hope you feel better soon!
May 24, 2018 @ 11:48 PM
Wow. You had a full day. It was a great read. Thanks for sharing.
May 25, 2018 @ 8:33 AM
Wow! That is a lot to endure, and it sounds tough. I hope you can find some remedies that might help you cope a little better.
May 30, 2018 @ 11:23 PM
Now its kinda par the course. ANYTHING my body does not like now, it finds a way to get it out. This virus is a VERY interesting one and that’s putting it lightly. Constantly learning something new about yourself and your body, I definitely hear my body a lot clearer.
May 26, 2018 @ 11:27 AM
Aw, I hope you feel better soon!
May 30, 2018 @ 11:26 PM
It was just a spell. I wrote this on monday june 12 2017…journaling my journey the first year after being diagnosis and before I disclosed. I am much better now. Thank you!
May 29, 2018 @ 7:57 PM
You’re so right, we as black women have to be on it! It sucks when you have to power through being sick! Seems like you handled it like a soldier though.
May 30, 2018 @ 11:17 PM
Fast forward from bootcamp straight to the battle field..life sometimes leaves us no other choice.
May 30, 2018 @ 7:33 PM
I know 4:44 is the name of Jay-Z album but it is also an angel number. Its very synchronicitic so anytime you see it know its your angels guiding you and sending a message they are with you.
May 30, 2018 @ 11:16 PM
Its so coincidental. I wrote for a year after being diagnosed and his album wasn’t even released. It just so happened to be the time that I finally was over it all and just got up. Numbers definitely have great meaning. Thank you for this as I didn’t know the meaning.
August 21, 2018 @ 2:41 PM
Definitely hoped this didn’t last much longer after this post. Well wishes to you and keep fighting the good fight, you are needed!